I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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