I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
