We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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