Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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