i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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