is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
