just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
