when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
