why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
