why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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