clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
