did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
