Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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