goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
