Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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