I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
