Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
