i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
