how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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