the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
