I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
