he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize