Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
