oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
