probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
