Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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