How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
