Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I love having hate sex.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
