I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
