I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
