it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize