I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize