some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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