do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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