I hate all girls vehemently.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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