Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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