bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
