textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
