Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
