I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize