when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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