In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
