Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
