she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
