I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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