I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
