I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
