I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk is not a location!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
