i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
