Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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