i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
