I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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