we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
