I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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