Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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