I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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