Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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