i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
