Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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