I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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