There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm like, not good at living.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
