she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
