are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
