Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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