Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
false alarm, still single
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
