I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
