My Higher Power is John Stamos
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
